Entertainment People The Ferguson Report: Woolies’ new slogan ‘Down down, wages are down’
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The Ferguson Report: Woolies’ new slogan ‘Down down, wages are down’

Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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PM MURRUSUN NZ SUTUZUNSHUP CRUSUS

Questions have been raised about the accuracy of the citizenship declaration made by Scott Morrison that he’s not a Kiwi, despite his New Zealand accent when speaking in tongues.

Morrison denied being a small, brown flightless bird.

“How can I be a Kiwi? Just take a look at my huge right wing.”

The PM said he prefers the land of the long white crowd.

CAUGHT BY THE SHORT & WOOLIES

The Fair Work Ombudsman will investigate Woolworths after revelations the supermarket giant may owe staff up to $300 million in underpaid wages.

A wild and Woolies worker said, “It explains the red ‘Cheap Cheap’ sticker on my forehead.”

A very cheap spokeswoman hit back, saying, “Supermarket workers are Australia’s highest paid underpaid workers. We pay by the hour … our rates, our choices, our business.”

The rot is setting in for the fresh food people. Their new slogan will be, “Down Down, Wages are Down”.

As compensation, Woolies are hurriedly printing 300 million free parking vouchers.

NATION SITTING ON BLUE POLES

Victorian Era Liberal Senator James ‘Hillbilly Banjo’ Paterson stands by his idea Jackson Pollock’s painting Blue Poles should be sold off or traded for Pokémon cards.

“It’ll pay for the front third of a submarine, where the torpedoes are,” said a government spokesman posing nude to illustrate his point.

The controversial artwork was snapped up in 1973 for $1.3 million dollars [plus postage]. It’s now worth $350 million [plus GST and a booklet explaining why it’s inexplicable].

“My four-year-old could paint Blue Poles,” said an MP, “after 50 years of practice and a talent implant.”

The nude spokesman contorted himself into a position tearful onlookers described as ‘Extreme Conservative’. He said, “With $350 million we could afford 290,000 original Pro Harts.”

Supporters of the painting are laughing all the way to the Banksy. But a Liberal senator surveying the work said, “What a load of Pollocks.”

LABOR DEFENDS THE OBJECTIONABLES

Labor frontbencher Clare O’Neil has called on the ALP to push back against political correctness without once shaking her head and saying “Tsk tsk”. She said Progressives dismiss people with opposing views as “obviously wrong, probably stupid and possibly subhuman”.

“A champion at last!” cried a spokesman for the wrong, stupid and subhuman.

Backwards Progressives fought back by glueing themselves to a road and squirting themselves with pepper spray.

It was the correct thing to do, politically speaking.

In other news…

‘FREE ASSANGE’ ACTUALLY QUITE EXPENSIVE

PLASTIC BAGS BAN BOOSTS SALES OF BIGGER, THICKER PLASTIC BAGS

MASKED SINGER LOOKED BETTER WITH MASK

ANIMAL RIGHTS ACTIVISTS LOBBY GOVERNMENT TO REHOUSE ALL SLUGS

BRITAIN ELECTION TO BE WON BY EVERYONE BUT BRITAIN

TRAINER IGNORES RACEHORSE’S DECISION TO BOYCOTT MELBOURNE CUP

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