Entertainment People The Ferguson Report: Scott Cam’s renovation quote is in the post
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The Ferguson Report: Scott Cam’s renovation quote is in the post

Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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BLOCK SHOCK JOCK

Scott Cam, the star builder from The Block, has taken a job working for PM Scott Morrison as National Careers Ambassador, but has given no strict timeline for finishing the project.

“It’s a bit iffy,” said a builder tilting his head and squinting. “Could take a day … Could take a couple of years…”

Cam’s first orders are to cut corners, clean the swamp, chop down the low-hanging fruit and sweep everything under the carpet.

The PM said, “I want to see more Australians become plumbers and electricians than lawyers and consultants.’ His ministers nodded as if they aren’t all ex-lawyers and consultants.

The PM Scott has insisted the lesser Scott renovate his office. He’d like it in the shape of an oval.

RIGHT TWANG TERROR WARNING

Terrorism experts (who are experts about terrorism not at it) warn Australia is at increasing risk of white supremacists thinking their supremacy is a thing.

White Supremacist Identification Tips:

  • He has a broken nose, wingnut ears, tiny skull
  • While marching with his comrades, he wears his I’m With Stupid T-shirt
  • His sense of humour is narrower than a Methodist Millennial’s
  • He exhorts white people to have babies but has none, due to his pink eyes, necklessness and jutting underbite
  • His facial features are a teensy-weensy bit hideous and ever so slightly repulsive
  • He only sees things in White & White
  • He can breathe through the ears

If you see a white supremacist, quietly back away from his government minister’s vehicle.

TIM WILSON MP BECOMES WATER CANNON FODDER

Tim Wilson MP accidentally shot himself in the foot with a water-cannon. Last week, he marched alongside pro-democracy protesters in Hong Kong, despite once suggesting Occupy Melbourne protesters should be water-cannoned.

He tweeted, “They’re on the front line of a contest between competing world views and have picked liberal democracy – it’s hard not to be inspired by that.”

It’s not clear whether he meant the Hong Kong protesters or the Occupy ones.

TRUMP PARDONS WRONG TURKEY

US President Donald Trump has mistakenly pardoned the nation of Turkey for Thanksgiving instead of a more traditional American turkey.

Mr Trump has allowed Turkey to attack the Kurds of Syria in a gobble-gobble motion.

“Kurd your enthusiasm,” said a Whitehouse spokeswoman justifying Trump’s kneejerk head-slappery. “What else could he do? The Kurds were in the whey.”

Trump continues to speak in gobble-gobbledygook.

In other news…

LABOR CLIMATE POLICY TO BE WHATEVER YOU WANT

THE JOKER ALMOST GOOD ENOUGH TO BE IN A BATMAN MOVIE

ORGAN TRANSPLANT GOES HORRIBLY WRONG WHEN MIGHTY WURLITZER INSERTED INTO AILING PENSIONER

BARNABY JOYCE IRONICALLY TELLS FARMERS THEY SHOULD GIVE UP AND GO

YOGA INSTRUCTOR PRETENDS IT’S SQUEAKING FLOORBOARDS

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