GOVT DESPERATELY CRAVING DRUG TESTS

Tasmanian senator Jacqui Lambie came alarmingly close to making sense when she said she’ll consider drug testing for welfare recipients only if drug-testing is introduced for politicians.

A government spokesman with the sniffles rejected the idea: “I am the walrus. And furthermore, Koo-koo-ka-choo.”

He then proceeded to pitch a great idea for a musical zombie movie and said a reporter’s tie was the face of God.

A government minister speaking off the record said, “The cost of testing politicians is higher than I am.”

Another minister speaking off his face said, “Our welfare drug-testing policy is pure, uncut and not mixed with baking soda”.

Senator Lambie has opened a can of worms. She procured the worms from discarded tequila bottles she found in the cabinet of the parliamentary cabinet.

A Labor MP rebutted the notion by walking into a wall.

BOLTON BOLTS

President Donald Trump has fired White House national security adviser John Bolton and his moustache.

Trump tweeted: “The horse has Bolton.”

Both men had disagreements on Iran, Afghanistan and the schedule for Armageddon. Bolton’s military policy was ‘Shoot now, shoot again later’. However, Trump is determined to delay Doomsday until the government pays its Mar-A-Lago hotel bills.

Bolton is keeping a stiff upper lip.

FREEDOM TO SWEATSHOP

The government’s proposed Religious Discrimination Act has caused outrage among Australia’s victims of slavery.

A family of household slaves chained to a sewing machine said, “The last thing we need is a footballer tweeting a direct quote from Ephesians 6:5 – ‘Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear’. Hmph! There go our monthly lunch breaks.”

The government wants no part of the debate – they are sick of slaving over a hot slave.

An atheist of no fixed belief stated, “It is my firm belief that belief in belief beggars belief.”

A footballer who wishes to remain jobless said, “Speaking man-to-manacle… Slavery isn’t mentioned in the Ten Commandments. Play on!”

VEGAN FAKE-MEAT WORSE FOR YOU THAN MEAT

France will ban vegan meat-substitute foods from being labelled with words like ‘burger’ or ‘sausage’ because such words falsely imply flavour.

The French are also insisting that French Fries must contain traces of meat.

The vegan meat fakers will change the names of their products to ‘stake’, ‘tuner’ and ‘mints meet’.

Meanwhile, vegan sausages have been exposed as including high salt content, additives and preservatives. They will now bear the warning: This product may contain traces of hypocrisy.

In other news…

GOVT CLAIMS BEST REFUGE FROM BUSHFIRES IS IN COALMINES

GOD MYSTERIOUSLY BOOSTS GAY MARRIAGE ECONOMIES

CLASS WAR WON BY THE RICH

CONVERSATION ABOUT CAT LASTS 12 MINUTES TOO LONG

PETA CREDLIN FIGHTING SEXISM & FEMINISM AT ONCE