In decades to come when celebrity historians look back at 2013 they will point to one standout, publicity-hogging figure as the most talked about and influential of the year. Yes, you guessed it. Miley Cyrus’ tongue.
Miley’s wild, always visible tongue had such a breakout 2013 the US Congress, after failing to agree on anything all year, unanimously gave the green light to carving a 20m tall replica of the tongue next to the heads of Abraham Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt and George Washington at Mt Rushmore.
Cirque du Soleil is planning a new Las Vegas stage show starring a single acrobatic Miley tongue twerking to multiple versions of Achy Breaky Heart while a lookalike Liam Hemsworth frantically runs away from it.
While Miley’s tongue did dominate the year and our grandmothers now know what twerking is, plenty of other celebs put up valiant efforts in 2013 to score multiple magazine covers or grab a few lines on TMZ.com, including Aussies Miranda Kerr, Nicole Kidman and the Hemsworth boys.
In 2013, celebs died.
They gave birth.
They split up with former loved ones.
Hey, if the Kardashians had a death they would have scored the almighty trifecta, although 2013 isn’t over yet.
Here’s the 2013 highlights (lowlights) in the world of Hollywood celebrities.
Nicole Kidman took the usual celebrity-paparazzi run-in to a literal level when, sporting a new hairdo and looking chic in high heels and and a tight, light grey mini-dress after attending a Calvin Klein fashion show, was knocked over by a pap on a bicycle in Manhattan.
The pap, 19-year-old Carl Wu, ended up on his back and was slapped with three citations from the NYPD.
The paps who stayed on their feet were happy because they made plenty of cash from the photos and video.
Dim the lights. Put on the sad music.
The following celebrity couples didn’t remain couples in 2013.
Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom proved lingerie supermodels and Lord of the Rings elves shouldn’t pursue longterm relationships. Who is to blame for the split? What day of the week is it?
That little Justin Bieber fella was first tagged as the culprit because he stood next to Kerr after a Victoria’s Secret show. Then Leonardo DiCaprio was blamed because he, Kerr and 20 other people had dinner together in Vegas. Then James Packer was the mystery beau. The truth is Miranda is in love with me and that’s why she split with Orlando.
The Biebs also split with Selena Gomez. After his recent trip to Australia, it is clear he is not lonely.
Crocodile Dundee Paul Hogan and Linda Koslowski are done after 23 years of marriage. Rumour has it when Hoges was first handed the divorce papers he said, “They are not divorce papers. These are divorce papers” before pulling out his own, bigger wad of legal documents.
Aussie actor Liam Hemsworth and former Disney darling Miley Cyrus announced in September the wedding is off and they’re going separate ways. It came soon after Miley’s tongue became possessed by an evil spirit and she infamously twerked at the MTV Video Awards in underpants and bra. Mexican beauty Eiza Gonzalez has been comforting Liam’s broken heart.
Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones are “took a break” after 13 years of marriage, then got back together to try again. Rumours that the marriage went downhill after Douglas walked into the kitchen and found a rabbit boiling in a pot are not true. In keeping with tradition, after two years together George Clooney gave girlfriend, former pro wrestler Stacy Keibler, the flick.
Matriarch of the Kardashians, Kris, and former Olympic champion decathlete-turned cosmetic surgery regular Bruce Jenner, announced the end of their 22-year marriage. Surprisingly it was revealed exclusively on the cover of Us Weekly magazine. It’s hard to tell if Bruce is happy or upset. His face hasn’t moved for a couple of years.
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West announced they have split oh, sorry, that’s not correct. 2014 maybe?
Khloe Kardashian and her NBA hoopster husband Lamar Odom were on the rocks in 2013 with reports Lamar was off on benders. Khloe removed “Odom” from her Twitter name. Are they on? Are they off? Do we care?
Other casualties: Kylie Minogue and Spanish model Andres Velencoso; Madonna and Brahim Zaibat; Michelle Williams and Jason Segal; Keri Russell and Shane Deary; Malin Akerman and Roberto Zincone; Clint and Dina Eastwood; Richard Gere and Carey Lowell; Britney Spears and Jason Trawick; Ryan Seacrest and Julianne Hough; Rachel McAdams and Michael Sheen … must stop … running out of space.
Keep the lights dimmed. Keep the sad music on. The following celebs died in 2013.
In the tradition of the Oscars and Emmys, as you go through the names applaud loudly if the actor is popular. If you don’t know them, do a two fingered golf clap.
Fast and the Furious‘ Paul Walker died in a fiery high-speed crash, The Soprano’s James Gandolfini suffered a fatal heart attack and Glee’s Cory Monteith succumbed to drugs.
Divinyls singer Chrissie Amphlett, rocker Lou Reed, Hollywood mermaid Esther Williams, tough guy Dennis Farina, former Mousketeer Annette Funicello and Kriss Kross rapper Chris Kelly were other notable departures.
SANE BABY NAMES
In recent years it was fun laughing at the ridiculous names celebrities burdened their children with, but celebs largely went the classic route in 2013. Or what could be considered the new classic.
OK, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their daughter North West, ensuring plenty of endorsement deals with compass companies, but check the list below. There isn’t an Apple, Pilot Inspektor or Moon Unit to be found.
Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem, daughter Luna; Halle Berry and Olivier Martinez, son Maceo; Josh Duhamel and Fergie, son Axl; Channing Tatum, daughter Everly; Michael Buble, son Noah; Alec Baldwin, daughter Carmen; Jordana Brewster, son Julian; Jamie-Lynn Sigler, son Beau; Vince Vaughn, son Vernon; Jessica Simpson, son Ace; Eva Herzigova, son Edward; Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard, daughter Lincoln; Jeremy Renner, daughter Ava; rapper Wiz Khalifa, son Sebastian; Hugh Grant, son Felix; Shakira, son Milan; Elton John, son Elijah.
The human headline Lindsay Lohan had a reasonably quiet 2013 (again, the year isn’t over yet and there was that incident in Miami with Paris Hilton’s brother).
LiLo went to rehab a couple of times, wore a conservative dress in her interview with Oprah and looks healthy enough.
The movie career isn’t going too well, but Oprah has signed LiLo to an eight-part documentary TV series.
CHRIS BROWN BLACK AND BLUE
Singer Chris Brown continues to get in trouble with the law.
He was sentenced to 1000 hours of community service in August after a May hit-and-run and a dispute over the community service he was supposed to serve after the assault case involving ex Rhianna.
In October, Brown was slugged with an assault charge for an alleged incident in Washington DC.
BOX OFFICE BOOM/BUST
The box office winner of 2013 is Iron Man 3 with $US1.215 billion in theatre tickets sold worldwide.
There were plenty of stinkers in cinemas, but thanks to the boom in new territories in Asia and Europe a box office bust in North America no longer means a movie will be a financial disaster for a studio.
The Will and Jaden Smith sci-fi After Earth was a flop in the US, but still made almost $US250 million worldwide.
Johnny Depp’s The Lone Ranger cost more than $US215 million to make, earned just $US89 million in North America, but to Disney’s relief ended up with $US260 million globally.
Perhaps the biggest disaster was the suitably named action film R.I.P.D. starring Jeff Bridges and Ryan Reynolds.
It had a $US130 million budget, but audiences in China, the Ukraine and Mozambique couldn’t save it, with just $US76 million in takings worldwide.