The first Ferguson Report of 2023 predicts the fake news headlines you must see …

USA ‘ULTRA-CONSERVATIVES’ SO CONSERVATIVE THEY’RE COMING BACK THE OTHER WAY

As George Washington famously said, “To preserve the Congress, it must be beheaded, disembowelled, and turned into a stringless puppet show for the entertainment of Vladimir Putin.”

A gun club of ultra-conservative Republicans have rebelled against House majority leader hopeful Kevin McCarthyism. They used an archaic and unorthodox tactic called “democracy”.

Liberal leader Peter ‘They Don’t Call Me Dutton For’ Dutton said that ructions within conservative parties are normal. He’ll confirm that as soon as the National Party respond to his calls.

US REPUBLICAN GEORGE SANTOS ADMITS HIS ADMISSION OF LYING WAS MADE UP

America’s newest Fantasy Congress member, George Santos, is hoping he can keep up with the demands of being the new James Bond and US president.

Like any American president, half of the country pathologically hates him. The other half love him for not being a Democrat.

Any other qualities he may have, or not have, or claims he has but doesn’t, are fake media lies.

Santos is famous for his Oscar-winning roles Indiana Jones, Cat Woman and Kermit the Frog.

STAGE-THREE TAX CUTS WOULD BE BETTER SPENT ON CASH GIVEAWAYS TO THE RICH

During the 2022 election campaign, Prime Minister Anthony Albanese promised the stage-three tax cuts would remain in place because because.

A Labor spin doctor who bulk-bills for every backflip said, “The $254bn tax cut for the wealthy will trickle down immediately, creating a mess on the carpet. Cleaning up that mess will create jobs.”

The tax cuts were invented by the Morrison government so you know you can trust them.

HETERO FLAG COMES OUT

Mark Latham, Member of the NSW Legislative Council for attention deprivation syndrome has called for hetero people to have their own flag.

“We love the gays but it’s overdue to recognise the heteros,” he said.

The hetero flag depicts a chorizo poking into a netball hoop. In the top left corner is a Band Camp tent that straight people claim “was a one-time thing”.

There are hetero plans for an International Prude Day.

Mr Latham went from being leader of the Labor Party to joining One Nation. So at least he’s consistent.

Hetero sex is when Mummy and Daddy love each other so much they do something that makes you feel sick.

In other news…

• NEW YEARS RESOLUTION DIDN’T SPECIFY EXACTLY WHEN MAN WOULD LOSE WEIGHT
• NEWLY-RELEASED HOWARD GOVT. PAPERS REVEAL DOWNER WAS ALWAYS A PRAT
• CALLS TO LEGALISE ‘HUMAN COMPOSTING’ AS ALTERNATIVE TO WORK FOR THE DOLE
• AMAZON SACKS 18,000, BEZOS BUYS ECUADOR
• LEAST-SAFE AIRLINE NAMED AS RUSSIAN CARRIER SPECIALISING IN ‘MYSTERY FLIGHTS’ TO KYIV