The Ferguson Report: Morrison gets through ‘not-sorry’ speech without smirking

Tim Ferguson
Dec 02, 2022, updated Dec 02, 2022

Scott Morrison wrote a thesis on Photo: AAP Photo: AAP

Former prime minister Scott Morrison gave a speech to Parliament after being censured for secretly overthrowing his own government.

A Liberal lickety-splitter said, “Scott didn’t apologise to anyone specifically – that’s what makes it so apologetic.”

Mr Morrison secretly appointed himself Mini-Me Minister of health, finance, and others he’ll tell you about if you ask him the right question.

“Scomo took over five ministries but didn’t do anything with them. Forget double or nothing. With Scott’s system, you can have both!”

“They were simply a dormant redundancy,” said Morrison, presumably not speaking about the ministers.

He is maintaining his own dormant redundancy on the backbench.

Socceroos get public holiday only if they win the America’s Cup

Socceroos have backed growing calls for a public holiday after their momentous World Cup victory.

This will precede Disappointment Day to commemorate their momentous World Cup loss.

Denmark have called for a national day of hideous embarrassment.

Callous football numpty respects culture of Qatar

A Woke soccer fan explained why the oppressive culture of Qatar is respectable. “It is politically-correct to respect all cultures, especially the politically-incorrect ones. Sport and condemning public floggings don’t mix.”

A hipster drinking a boutique beer you wouldn’t feed to a pot plant said, “Better to turn a blind eye than be blinded in both eyes.”

An ethicist whose tolerance expands at kick-off said, “I respect Qatar’s refusal to serve beer. They imprison homosexuals and women who have sex outside of marriage. Imagine what they’d do after a couple of cold ones.”

Fascist plot loses the plot

The leader of the US far-right, no-further-right-than-that, keep-going Oaf Keepers has been convicted of sedition, for plotting to keep Donald Trump in power.

The Federal District Court in Washington found three other Oafs not guilty, proving the evil leftist global cabal is not as organised as you think.

Three Trump loyalists died in the attack on the US Capitol, mostly of embarrassment.

The plot lost the plot when 81,283,098 voters seditiously voted for Joe Biden. They are yet to be charged.

“It’s all a storming in a teacup,” said an Oaf Keeper.

An Australian spokesmilitant agreed. “She’ll be alt-right mate. It’ll all come out in the whitewash.”