Entertainment The Ferguson Report: Morrison isn’t making an impression on his backbench seat
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The Ferguson Report: Morrison isn’t making an impression on his backbench seat

Tim Ferguson fake news
Comedian Tim Ferguson's take on the news of the week. Photo: TND
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ZERO EMISSIONS IMPOSSIBLE

The government is hoping to pass its bill to cut 43 per cent of emissions before anyone realises they don’t actually have to cut 43 per cent of emissions.

Anthony Albanese, a man on emission, has the Greens green with envy. Meanwhile, the opposition is seeing red (mostly under the bed).

The Teals are doing their best to slow down the bill’s progress before it makes them irrelevant.

A Teal-maker’s face turned a sickly shade of teal. “Our single issue was to cut emissions. If this bill passes, we’ll earn our wages complaining about it.”

A Labor MP apologised for personally cutting an emission. “Sorry, it was the vindaloo.”

Meanwhile, Extinction Rebellion are at a loose end, all this glue and nothing to stick themselves to.

MOVIE ABOUT TRUMP GIVING BIRTH TO ALIEN BABY ‘NOT LUDICROUS ENOUGH’

A new Hollywood movie about the next president of the United States, Donald Trump, has been scrapped because Trump outdid it this morning.

Trump fired laser-beams out his pants into a passing cow. The cow exploded, showering onlookers with golden piglets, killing twelve.

But a Hollywood screenwriter refused to write a script about it: “It borders on believable.”

A movie studio executive said: “I’m sick of hearing pitches for biopics of Trump’s life, from the distant planet Tatooine to his lucrative career as the inventor of eggs.”

Trump movies currently in production:

ILLEGAL ALIEN 2

THE SECOND TERMINATOR

BACKS TO THE FUTURE

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO GOP

RETURN OF THE CAT-GRABBER

MORRISON’S EMPTY SEAT IN PARLIAMENT JUST LIKE OLD TIMES

Scott Morrison’s seat in Parliament is filled by a lonely ukulele.

Meanwhile, Morrisonn is in Tokyo trying to explain why he doesn’t trust government but somehow trusts a Quad of governments.

ROBODEBT ROYAL COMMISSION TO INVESTIGATE DEBT-THREATS

Bill Shorten MP has announced a royal commission into Robodebt, a Liberal government algorithm method blamed for causing Australians a near-debt experience.

Robodebt collectors deny their plan was to squeeze cash out of Alzheimer’s sufferers … twenty-seven times a day.

Former Liberal ministers will be forced to adopt the Royal Commissionary Position. [See photos in sealed section.]

In other news…

  • ECONOMIST STRANGELY AROUSED BY INFLATION FIGURES
  • 95 PER CENT WHO DIDN’T VOTE FOR ONE NATION ASK PAULINE TO DEFINE ‘DIVISIVE’
  • MORRISON SKIPS PARLIAMENT TO STOP REFUGEE BOAT BY PARTING SEA OFF CRONULLA
  • TO COMPETE WITH MARVEL, LORD OF THE RINGS CHARACTERS TO WEAR SPANDEX
  • FORMER IMPLANT SURGEON MAKES CLEAN BREAST OF IT
  • SKY NEWS ANTI-ABC DOCUMENTARY EXPOSES LACK OF PROOF