Entertainment The Ferguson Report: ICAC kangaroo court can’t stop kangaroo crimes
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The Ferguson Report: ICAC kangaroo court can’t stop kangaroo crimes

Tim Ferguson Kangaroo
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The Prime Minister has labelled the NSW Independent Commission Against Corruption a “kangaroo court”.

He came hopping mad into a press conference. “Tch-tch-tch-tch-tch,” he said.

“What’s up, Skip?” a journalist asked.

“Tch-tch-tch-tch-tch,” said the Prime Minister. “And furthermore, tch.”

For once, nobody could say he was making it up.

“I think he wants us to follow him,” said a journalist.

They all chased the PM as he jumped to conclusions.

Sadly, the Kangaroo Corruption Commission has done nothing to lower roadside kangaroo suicide rates.

It’s Xmas when the media quote Russell Brand

Britain’s formerly funny man Russell Brand has condemned Australia’s COVID restrictions and praised ‘anti-mask freedom fighters’, otherwise known as mouth-breathing bed-wetters who think the moon is flat.

Mr Brand posted a YouTube video entitled ‘Australian Quarantine Camps: Is This The Future?, showing he hasn’t completely lost his sense of humour.

A panic merchant (whose business is booming) said: “We’re all doomed to be trapped in a quarantine future of room service, aircon and free wi-fi. The only bonus is sex with security guards.”

To boost the camps’ image, the government announced an advertising campaign – Aussie Quarantine Camping Adventures!  – where you freely isolate with others.

Olympic boycott of everything by the Olympics

Australia will not send any politicians to the Beijing Winter Olympics because there are no medals for talking underwater.

But our Olympic team will be represented by athletes who think Uyghurs are less important than breakfast cereal contracts.

Beijing is unmoved by being left out in the cold and has threatened to freeze Australia’s assets, thus sending shivers down the spineless officials who can’t take the heat.

The government denies its boycott is simply copying America’s.

“It was our idea, which is why we let them have it first.”

Politically-correct comedy festivals make comedians feel unsafe

Australia’s major comedy festivals are planning new guidelines to protect audiences from laughter.

A giggle-inhibitor said: “Our comedians promise to be deeply, deeply inoffensive.”

Topics will be restricted to the taste of water, the quality of Aldi laptops and the challenges of constructing IKEA cutlery.

Comic material can be “close to the bone” so long as it doesn’t make the bone feel uncomfortable (and the bone is an actual bone, not the other kind of bone).

In other news …

  • Vaccine mandates make it easier to avoid letting people we never liked in
  • Freedom-marching socialist says: “Say what you like about antivaxx neo-nazism, but they do have a point!”
  • Underworld executions are against the law for some reason
  • Carols in the Park to be renamed ‘Carols in the Green Space’
  • Traces of Devil found in minor detail