FRENCH PREZ NUKES MORRISON

French President Emmanuel Macron has told Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison he has broken the trust between their two countries.

The Elysee Palace said, “Ending the submarine program goes against the many times when Australian soldiers have come to the aid of France without ever being thanked for it.”

“Do you think we dropped all those atomic bombs in the South Pacific for nothing?” said a croissant with eyes. “By the way, that’s a nice Greenpeace boat, pity if something happened to it.”

RAPID COVID TESTS PULL A FAST ONE

Rapid COVID test kits will be sold at supermarkets across Australia from next week.

The rapid tests promise to sort out the quick from the dead.

There will also be a vapid COVID test for those who couldn’t care less.

The tests include an IQ test. So if you catch COVID, you’ll quickly know why.

PM’s BIG ZERO

PM Scott Morrison has explained how the nation will be net-zero in what he called “The Australian Way Get Fact Sheet”.

The Australian Way involves Morrison stumbling half-tanked around the Glasgow climate conference daring delegates to pull his finger to show the real dangers of methane.

Morrison said, “In this debate, there are some who say we’ll be ruined if we don’t, and we’ll be ruined if we do.”

So he’s doing both.

The climate change debate has clearly fallen by the Australian wayside.

A government spokeswoman explained. “‘The Australian Way’ is doing Missionary without taking a Position.”

EXTINCTION REBELLION FLARE UP

Extinction Rebellion activists have protested against global warming by lighting flares outside Parliament House.

Flares contain strontium nitrate, potassium nitrate, potassium perchlorate, charcoal, sulphur, aluminium, magnesium and pyrotechnic colourants.

Scientists say global warming will be stopped so long as there are no more protests against it. “So many flares, and not a bright spark amongst them.”

But a spokeszealot said, “The flares were in fact just protesters enjoying really, really colourful vaping.”

NATIONAL PARTY GOES NUT ZERO

The Notionally National Party has backed the net-zero target in the hope that by 2050 they’ll be dead from old age or freak storms.

“This policy has our unbridled, unhinged support,” said a talking sheep.

Rural voters care deeply about nature, just as long as it stays off their property.

In other news …

• GOVT DEMANDS VOTER INTEGRITY LAW “OR YOU WON’T GET THAT NEW CAR PARK”
• ALGORITHM SAYS THE PROBLEM IS ALGORITHMS
• CREMATORIUM WORKERS STRIKE OVER URNINGS
• HIPSTER’S CLAIM TO ENJOY BOUTIQUE BEER BELIED BY INCREASED BLINK RATE
• ANTHONY ALBANESE AS SURPRISED AS ANYBODY TO DISCOVER HE LEADS THE LABOR PARTY