News Corp newspapers have suddenly claimed the globe is warming due to – wait for it – human activity.
The world’s biggest news organisation splashed ludicrous loony leftisms in The Australian, The Telegraph, the Herald Sun, and the Sky Is Falling News.
This goes against the years News Corp has spent proving that climate change is caused by the ABC.
A spokeswoman explained the confusion: “Some fool changed our coffee to fair-trade organic decaf.”
News Corp’s sudden backflip to bourgeoisie agitprop makes no un-scientific sense.
An editor said: “We’re as confused as the next guy, so long as the next guy is one of us”.
In protest, agitated agitators Andrew Bolt and Chris Kenny have locked themselves in their Archie Bunker.
There has been some rankling in the ranks though, as the term “global” suggests a circular earth and that’s a step too far left.
This climate change denial denial has left the left tut-tutting less and less.
A Greens spokesbush turned a greener shade of pale: “After defeating Kevin Rudd’s appallingly sensible Carbon Pollution Reduction Scheme, we thought climate change legislation was a thing of the past. Tch.”
NEW FREEDOM MARCH SPOKESMAN SEEN BUT NOT HERD
At last, the Anti-Vaxxer Anti-Lockdown Anti-Pro-Anti Movement has hired an enigmatic and articulate spokesman.
But he refuses to speak to the media.
The movement has decided that no actions speak louder than words, so they are putting their money where their mouth isn’t.
The spokesman was rumoured to be feeling a little hoarse. Before he punched it in the face.
IT’S A BIRD! IT’S A PLANE! IT’S A DESPERATE LUNGE FOR RELEVANCE!
DC Comics have announced their next-gen Superman is coming out as bisexual.
A pigtail attached to a comic book fan predicted future editions will also reveal Superman coming out as LGBTQIA+ all at once.
“If Superman can do anything, he can do anyone. His new superpower will be cancelling anyone who triggers him,” he said.
Sadly, the wokeness stops there.
“Superman will remain a super-privileged white male. And he’s invulnerable, so it’s not possible to give him a disability.”
In other news…
- UNIVERSITY STUDENTS DEFEND FREE SPEECH [WITHIN STRICT GUIDELINES]
- GEN-Z ACTIVIST CLAIMS THE 20TH CENTURY “MAKES ME FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE”
- A STITCH IN TIME CAUSES BLACK HOLE
- GOVT COMMITS TO REDUCING EMISSIONS BY WHATEVER WORKS FOR BARNABY
- CRAFT BEER MICROBREWERY FAILS PUB TEST
Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson