Entertainment Tim Ferguson: Coal, climate and the five other most frightening words in the English language
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Tim Ferguson: Coal, climate and the five other most frightening words in the English language

Tim Ferguson
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NET ZERO + NET ZERO = BUSINESS AS USUAL

The five most frightening words in the English language, ‘Acting Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce’, promised to reach zero emissions while protecting the coal industry. To save energy, coal will be sold in the dark.

A polar bear buying real estate said: “The climate is in danger from these old fossil fools letting off steam.”

Meanwhile, Scott Morrison has been having secret talks with Russian climate changelings. Both countries have agreed on a policy of Nyet zero emissions.

TURNBULLTWANG

Former man of momentary interest, Malcolm Turnbull-Into-Gold has described PM Scott Morrison as “blundering”, “slippery” and “deceitful”.

Turnbull claimed Morrison “double-crossed” France, a country best known for nuclear bomb tests in our backyard and sinking the Rainbow Warrior.

Turnbull, a leadership hobbyist, said he’d spoken with French President Emmanuel Macron. Both men conversed in French, a language best known for its subtitles.

Malcolm hopes that all his tut-tutting and poo-pooing will lead to the French oui-ouiing.

But a Liberal Party backbench-presser quipped, “a drowning man will clutch at 90 billion dollars worth of nuclear submarines!”

Malcolm’s loathing of the Liberal Party is almost as intense as when he led it.

GOVT SECRECY SECRETLY KEPT SECRET

The Morrison government’s culture of secrecy has reached levels that are non-disclosable.

The government has tried to keep deliberations of national cabinet a secret. But a Federal Court judge found the cabinet is technically not a cabinet.

“It’s all hush-hush,” said an uninformant while pulling up his security breeches. “We just don’t want to spoil the ending for everybody.”

A spokesman who wishes to remain anonymous until proven guilty said: “We asked our team of a hundred monkeys. But they are busy redacting Shakespeare.”

A Labor Party comrade groaned, “The Liberal government’s obsession with secrecy is almost as bad as ours.”

When all is said and done, nothing will be said or done.

VACCINE BUT NOT HEARD

The Health Department is struggling to declare how many Australians have been jabbed and with which vaccine. A spokeswoman said, “seeking a statistic on a computer is like trying to find a needle in a hospital.”

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