Entertainment The Ferguson Report: Demanding free dumb, as soon as we get over this strange cough
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The Ferguson Report: Demanding free dumb, as soon as we get over this strange cough

Tim Ferguson
Fake news you can trust
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MELBOURNE PROTESTERS DEMAND FREE DUMB

Melbourne’s CBD has been repeatedly swarmed by white male alt-wrong neo-Nutsies.

Hordes of galooting oblong-heads occupied Melbourne’s Shrine of Remembrance. They forgot that our fallen died for greater freedoms than scaredy-cat vaccine avoidance.

The hard-right roundabout protesters were armed to the tooth with smoke grenades, pepper spray and colouring-in books for a bonfire. They gleefully chanted:

WHAT DO WE WANT?
An authoritarian ultra-nationalist regime characterised by forcible suppression of opposition and a benign but flawed dictator!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
As soon as we get over this strange cough.

Between beers, others chanted indistinctly, “Muffled nuffery Puff!” and “Wuffa wuffa blerg!”

Anti-vaxxers have a new saying – “See you later, ventilator!”

Organisers Protests

A protester against vaccines said, “It turned me into a newt!”

He didn’t get better.

HI-VIS, BYE-VIS

Hi-vis vests are the latest fashion craze for Melbourne’s conspiracy googlers. One said, “It makes me feel like I do something for a living!”

But a fashion-conscious protesting pillock said, “OMG! I thought I’d be the only one wearing a high-vis ensemble. What the faux pas!”

Hi-vis protesters scarpered to evade police, but were easily spotted. One said, “I woulda got away with it if it weren’t this bright dayglo clown suit!”

SYDNEY STREET MARCH TO NOWHERE

Meanwhile, a freedom march in Sydney went nowhere because it was feeling oddly hot and wheezy.

“Activism just doesn’t mix with breakfast bongs,” said a march organiser still wearing pyjamas. “I’m not angry. I’m not disappointed. I’m just … Sorry, what was I saying?”

An extreme right-winger flew in circles before getting into a flap. “It’s too confusing! National Socialist totalitarianism starts with a march for freedom?”

TOP 10 LOCKDOWN HAIRCUTS:

Dreadlockdowns
Comb Over It
Beehive Mentality
Short Back Insides
Bong Bangs
Bucketful Of Number 2
Mullet Over And Over
Quiff I Could Turn Back Time
Don’t Comb So Close To Me
Aren’t You Glad It’s Not Ebola Cut

PREDICT THIS!

Doomsday predictors since Nostradamus insist the End of Days will snap its trap shut very soon.

If not this year, definitely the next. Or the one after that.

2025 at the latest. Certainly before 2030.

Or 2031 …

You have been warned.

Since 1550.

In other news…

  • TALIBAN CAN’T BELIEVE NOBODY’S TALKED ABOUT THEM FOR A WEEK
  • HOLLYWOOD DIVERSE REMAKE OF THE COLOUR PURPLE WITH ALL-WHITE CAST
  • NARCISSIST SAYS SOLIPSISM WAS HIS IDEA
  • AFTER LOCKDOWN, RIOTS & EARTHQUAKE, MELBOURNE BRACES FOR NEW SERIES OF MARRIED AT FIRST SIGHT!
  • BYRON BAY COVID SAYS, ‘I’M A VIRUS, GET ME OUTTA HERE!’
  • NEWS CORP HEADLINE ‘DUTTON CHARM OFFENSIVE’ MISSING A COMMA

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson