Entertainment The Ferguson Report: Looks funny, smells funny … so it must be up to parliamentary standards
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The Ferguson Report: Looks funny, smells funny … so it must be up to parliamentary standards

Tim Ferguson
Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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AUKUS KEEPS OUR FRIENDS CLOSE AND OUR ALLIES ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PLANET

Fresh from their successful campaign in Afghanistan, PM Scott Morrison
has announced AUKUS, a security treaty with our close neighbours Britain and America.

He said the treaty will keep us safe from overreaching.

US President Joe ‘I’ve Still Got My Teeth’ Biden praised the Prime Minister, whom he affectionately called “that smudge on my iPad”.

A government spokeswoman said, “Starting a cold war will stop global
warming.”

A Defensive Department spokesman said: “To increase our safety, the
government is buying nuclear submarines. Oops! I’ll make that sentence
more reassuring – the government is buying nuclear submarines to
increase our safety … Nope. That doesn’t work either.”

Australia will also purchase Tomahawk cruise missiles. Correction – they are Tom Cruise missiles. Correction – we will receive a team of Top Guns. Correction – Australia will be arming itself with pop guns.

The French are outraged their $90 billion submarine deal with Australia
has blown up like a nuclear bomb test in the South Pacific.

The “solid and enduring” treaty will last until the re-election of President
Donald J Trump, who says it was his idea.

BREAKING NEWS THAT’S BROKEN NEWS

COVID COVID COVID COVID COVID COVID COVID COVID COVID COVID COVID COVID COVID and furthermore, COVID.

GOVT ASKS FOR BLIND TRUST OF BLIND TRUST

Government minister Christian Porter has allowed a blind trust to cover
some of his legal fees.

So, relax. Some politicians are carrying on as if a minister receiving money from unknown donors is a problem.

A government lawyer shredding paper trails said, “If it looks dodgy and
smells dodgy, it’s ‘technically within guidelines'”.

Christian Porter could not be contacted for comment, he was having lunch – a nameless sauce with an unknown doner kebab.

Treasurer Josh Frydenegg said that Porter had acted within the rules.

“And boy, was he a good actor. I almost believed him!”

CRAIG KELLY PLANNING NEW STRAIN OF TEXTS

The Therapeutic Goods Administration has demanded Craig Kelly stop
texting millions of Australians because he might hurt his thumbs.

The United Australia Party is celebrating its texting campaign with a
fancy dress ball. Kelly is coming as Peter Pandemic and Clive Palmer is
coming as the ball.

IN OTHER NEWS …

  • IN WORLD FIRST, TEENAGER ACTUALLY DOES KNOW EVERYTHING
  • PARENTS OF ‘JAEDIN’ AND ‘KHYLEE’ SAY HAVING TO SPELL THEIR NAMES FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES WILL TOUGHEN THEM UP
  • MAN PATIENTLY EXPLAINS THE MEANING OF MANSPLAINING FOR THE HUNDREDTH TIME
  • ANTIVAXXER GHOST CLAIMS HE DOESN’T EXIST
  • SURPRISINGLY, PROFESSIONAL CLOWN IN THE NEWS FOR A NICE REASON

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson