Entertainment The Ferguson Report: Deaf he isn’t, but dumb … that’s another story
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The Ferguson Report: Deaf he isn’t, but dumb … that’s another story

Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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HYDROXY-CORONA-QUEENS MAKE YOU SICK

A ‘Karen’, coincidentally named Karen but pronounced ‘Kah-ren’, threatened to sue workers at a hardware store for insisting she wear a face mask.

But, when she lodged her complaint with the police, she could not identify the culprits.

Because they were wearing facemasks.

Meanwhile, a Karen named Sue sued Karen who shouted at Dawn.

Dawn broke after Hope lost Faith with April.

Ambrosia went a bright shade of ambrosia before turning over a new Leaf (the Dutch word for ‘Karen’.)

FALLING ON DUMB EARS

Former Justice Kenneth Hayne of the High Court At The Bottom Of The World has characterised Australian politics as a “dialogue of the deaf”.

The trouble with his tone-deaf theory is that deaf people communicate just fine. It’s called “sign language”, “lipreading” and “overcoming challenges despite being patronised”.

A high court paralegal (described as “so drunk he’s paralegal”) apologised. “We thought people with hearing impairment communicate by raising their middle finger at us.”

Perhaps Justice Haynes should compare politicians to former High Court justices. They talk and talk at enormous expense but nobody listens. Especially the deaf.

CRAIG KELLY MP FEELING OUT OF THE LOOPY

Firebrand backbencher Craig Kelly MP can also set fire to frontbenches. And himself.

Kelly has asked if Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews could “face 25 years in jail” for not promoting Donald Trump’s favourite teeth whitener, Hydroxychloroquine.

“Twenty-five years in jail” is similar to the penalty Kelly would get if he prescribed Hydroxychloroquine.

SCOTT MORRISON URGES SUPERPOWERS TO ADOPT SECRET IDENTITIES

PM Scott ‘The Whole World In His Hands’ Morrison urged the US and China to promote global stability by doing the opposite of everything they are doing.

Scomover demanded both countries must respect international law as if it’s a thing.

Morrison said New Zealand can do what it likes. “Who would know the difference?”

SCIENTISTS CLAIM G5 CONSPIRACY MANIA UNTWEETABLE

“Nobody talks about G5 any more,” said a conspiracy theorist ‘numbnaut’. “It’s as if our theory was merely neck-jerk hogwashery shouted by drunk uncles at barbecues before passing out on a Lilo.”

It has been more than a month since anybody mentioned G5.

“Proof the conspiracy is working!” he screamed, before being facemask-palmed.

ULURU DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

A tourist allegedly flew through a coronavirus hotspot and broke into the Uluru-Kata Tjuta National Park.

A disappointed tourist said, “If only Uluru was a gigantic rock that could be seen from miles away.”

In other news…

FOREIGN TOURIST QUITE TAKEN BY SHARK

PETER DUTTON INVISIBILITY VERY POPULAR

PM OFFERS PRAYERS AND OOPS

TRUMP ADMITS TRUMP IS WHAT IT IS

ANTI-MASK PROTESTER STILL WEARS BIKE-HELMET, CONDOMS, SUNSCREEN

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson