Australian cricket’s Christmas wish list has just got a whole lot longer.

In a sense, the utter humiliation in Arabia – Wilfred Thesiger was never in so much trouble – has done us a favour by exposing shortcomings papered over by recent Mitchell Johnson-inspired triumphs.

Even the gargantuan margins – 221 and 356 runs – are misleading.

It was much worse than that. Remember that Pakistan declared three of its four innings closed with only a few wickets down.

According to the boffins at cricinfo, it was Australia’s worst series in history in terms of ‘average differential’. That is, the difference between batting average (25.65) and bowling average (80.15).

So, to the Christmas list:

Glenn Maxwell is no Test No. 3. Photo: Getty

Dear Santa,

I don’t know how to say this without sounding ungrateful, but you have been letting me down.

For years I have been begging for a No. 3 batsman to replace the Ricky Ponting action model that got too old and had to be thrown out with the old Twister set.

Well, Santa, that requests stands.

We’ve been waiting so long now that we’d even be prepared to make do with a cheaper model.

Just someone who is prepared to make a decent fist of it.

And please, don’t try to re-package the Shane Watson figurine.

I’ve told you before, it keeps breaking and we are all out of araldite. Even when it is working, the legs are stiff and keep getting in the road.

And don’t try to pass Glenn Maxwell off as a first drop. I know us youngsters love the T20 and all that, but even we know the difference between a middle-order slogger and a Test No. 3.

Even Pakistan can afford a leg-spinner. Photo: Getty

Next on the list is a leggie.

I know I pretended to enjoy the off-spinner you gave us a few years back.

But that was out of politeness.

Plus I was grateful to have a spinner that sort of worked after losing all those ones with the names I can’t even remember.

I know that I didn’t take proper care of Hauritz and Krejza and Beer and the rest. But you know how sad and mixed up I was after losing my Shane Warne. He was the best, even if he did keep sneaking off to play with my sister’s barbie dolls.

But let’s face it. Having an off-spinner makes me feel like a Pommy kid. They are just SO BORING.

Tony Abbott says we should all be part of Team Australia, and we know that off-spinners, along with Labor and the unions and greenies and people who talk funny, are not welcome on Team Australia.

People are starting to tease me about it. It’s embarrassing. Even Pakistan can afford a leggie.

I know I’m sounding greedy, but I also want a fast bowler, one with all the accessories – like genuine pace, swing, reverse swing and all that funky stuff.

Are off-spinners unAustralian? Photo: Getty

You know I love my Mitch Johnson, and my Ryan Harris when I can find it.

I even like my Peter Siddle, but Dad reckons he might be running out of puff, and that we need reinforcements.

You keep promising one, but – not meaning to be rude – you just don’t deliver.

I think the elves are letting you down. They must have been using dodgy parts.

If you send me another one that breaks I will really crack it. I loved my new Pattinson and Cummins, but I played with them so much they fell apart.

Oh yeah. There are a few things I don’t want.

Please stop giving me clipboards, psychologists, specialist coaches, commissions of inquiry, high performance chiefs and all that other stocking filler.

Pakistan hasn’t got them and they thumped us.

Yours in anticipation,

Australian cricket.