Zagame’s Kamikaze? Toby Greene. Photo: Getty

AFL: Cranky Greene causes beer-barn scene

GWS’s cherubic turnover specialist Toby Greene let down his club, his family and his code when he was busted on a night out at Zagame’s. While the mainstream media have attempted to save Greene’s blushes by describing the glorified RSL as a ‘nightclub’, any self-respecting Melburnian knows that Zagame’s is a soulless, vibe-less last resort for the desperate reveller, the sort of place you go when one of your mates has misplaced his shirt, or his shoes, or his dignity, or all three. It is unclear whether Greene will face sanctions from GWS or the league for bringing the AFL brand into disrepute.

In semi-related news, Greene has also been charged by police for assault by kicking, assault with a weapon, assault in company, intentionally causing serious injury and unlawful assault.

Football: Soccer-whos?

Ange Postecoglou apparently won a bet with an old mate when he named a Socceroos squad without a single name that a member of the general public might conceivably recognise. While football fanatics might recognise Tom Cahill and Mike Jedinak, Matt McKay sounds like he was recruited from the local Zagame’s, while ‘Curtis Good’ and ‘Joshua Brillante’ are clearly not real people.

Will the real Josh Brillante please stand up? Photo: Getty

One theory circulating is that Postecoglou has decided to expedite a generational shift by picking young, hungry players for the upcoming World Cup, with a view to challenging for next year’s Asian Cup. Another theory is that the Socceroos squad is simply full of A-League players, hence all the unfamiliar names and faces.

NRL: Bird flips the Goodwin

It was a relatively G-rated week in the run-‘n’-bump game this week. Greg Bird might have endangered Bryce Goodwin’s bodily integrity and put himself out of Origin 1 with a dangerous throw charge, but at least he kept his pants on while he was at it. Likewise, Mitchell Pearce still looks on track for Origin 1 despite a boozy night out that culminated in arrest and a $20,000 fine, because despite making a chump of himself, he at least had the good sense not to film it. Somewhere out there, a bewildered Konrad Hurrell is taking careful notes.

Sally Fitzgibbons. Photo: Getty

Surfing: Australian does something good

Australia’s own Sally Fitzgibbons has been ‘carving it up’ (this is a surfing term), winning the Rio Pro surf-a-thon. The win elevates her to number two in the Surf Queen rankings, ahead of fellow Aussies Tyler Wright and Stephanie Gilmour. All of which means that you’re probably suddenly interested in surfing again. If you don’t know a grommet from a goofy, no worries – just repeat the following when you’re down at your local Zagame’s: “Fitzy sure knows how to get in the green room/get barrelled”, or “I haven’t seen cutbacks that extreme since budget night”.

Whatever you do, though, don’t mention Puberty Blues.

Golf: Australian does something good (redux)

More green-and-gold glory, this time without any carving, slicing or any other such exertions. Adam Scott is set to become the world’s number one-ranked golfer next week – from the comfort of his couch. Tiger Woods’ six-week layoff after shoulder surgery means that Scott will become Australia’s first number one since Greg Norman, despite not actually being scheduled to play this weekend. Owing to truly terrible reception in his man-cave, The New Daily wasn’t able to reach Scott for comment, but we assume he will celebrate his triumph with an almighty 30 Rock marathon and a steady supply of nachos.

Things to look forward to…

In the AFL, it’s gradually dawning on Freo that if they’re going to finally click into gear like that nice Ross Lyon fellow keeps saying they will, it had better happen soon if they want to secure a top-four finish. Now, no-one’s forcing them to finish in the top four, and it is a free country and all that, but if they want a flag before Matthew Pavlich (who brings up game 300 on Saturday night), Aaron Sandilands and Luke McPharlin all creak off into the sunset, they should probably try to start winning games as of this week. Actually, they play Geelong – maybe next week.

In NRL, it promises to be a big weekend – keep an eye out for Origin stars playing a little within themselves and doing everything in their power to avoid injury. Rabbitohs star Greg Inglis will tentatively face old club Melbourne, while a resurgent Jarryd Hayne will carefully skirt the fringes of Parramatta’s clash with St George Illawarra, allowing Benji Marshall’s (possible) return to league to dominate the headlines, and (possibly) the contest.

Plenty to (potentially) look forward to, in other words.