opinion

The Ferguson Report: Vexed Rex wrecks tax axe

Tim Ferguson
Jun 21, 2019, updated Jan 13, 2021

Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND

BETTER THAN REX

Your $1080 tax cut is being locked up because Rex Patrick MP knows how to blow it better than you.

Rex is from the new party in Parliament, Centre Alliance (named using random words that appeal to voters who don’t follow politics). If you’re not sure what Rex is like, think of blokes named ‘Rex’. He’s like that.

But you will have to pay a “tax cut being cut” tax cut Rex tax.

BERNARDI BARKING UP THE WRONG PARTY

Senator Cory Bernardi is deregistering his Australian Conservatives party saying, “As a party we received a tiny fraction of the votes we needed”.

Winning isn’t easy – previous fringe candidates (like Fraser ‘Fight For The White To Party’ Anning) needed a whopping 19 votes to get a seat.

Cory is taking so many right turns in his career that he’s walking in ever diminishing circles.

Bernardi once warned same-sex marriage would lead to bestiality, polygamy and dancing.

A government spokesman window shopping at the dog pound said, “It’s the bestialist of times, it’s the polygamiest of times”.

SENATE CROSSBENCH USED FOR FIREWOOD

Senate crossbenchers from the One Nation Front, the Pinkish Greens and the Centre Alliance Of The Radical Fringes will run the country from the peripheral centre.

A LNP senator is courting senators with free lap-dances, which he calls ‘bench-warmer warmers’.

The crossbenchers have decided to form a unified party, “The National Affront”.

A Liberal senator in a Playboy bunny suit said, “It’s awkward. Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, stuck in the middle with Jacqui Lambie.”

HUMAN SPEED BUMPS COME UNSTUCK

Two climate activists who glued themselves to a zebra crossing in Brisbane’s CBD have been dubbed ‘Tar Huggers’. They were spotted by a passerby, who reported two people stuck in traffic.

The protesters were named ‘Serge’ and ‘Ebony’ on social media. Drivers and pedestrians whose path was blocked called them other names.

Serge, or “[Censored]”, said the pair was protesting against “an extinction”.

“I can’t live with myself knowing that’s happening and not doing anything about it,” he said. Whereupon he made himself immobile.

The protest was overseen by the action group Extinction Rebellion Australia. The extinction fighting group may not survive past graduating uni: “Next time we’ll nail ourselves to a crossing.”

They’ve been charged with civil disobedience, but it’ll never stick. A woman stepping over the protesters described them as “completely glueless”.