News National The Ferguson Report: John Howard’s chronic rainbowphobia
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The Ferguson Report: John Howard’s chronic rainbowphobia

Tim Ferguson
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TRUMP STUMPED

US President Donald Trump has escalated his rhetoric against North Korea so high, there is no room left.

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said: “It’s terrifying. North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un has ignored every escalation. The President has threatened nuclear annihilation. He’s tried sabre-rattling, even sabre-swallowing. Nothing. And it turns out Kim is a normal guy – he likes being called ‘Rocket Man’.”

Sanders urged Americans to fill their bunkers with canned food. “POTUS is almost desperate enough to suggest diplomacy and co-operation. God help us.”

PARLIAMENT FENCE PAIL FAIL

Dozens of engineers have apologised for building a fence over Canberra’s Parliament House.

“We failed,” said an engineer. “We couldn’t keep the politicians out.”

The new plan is threefold:

  • Lock all Parliament doors
  • Cut supply of free wine and liquor
  • Replace the fence with a wall

“Build a wall, build a wall, build a wall,” said the engineers.

PM ROAD-RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE

The supposed Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has insisted, “my government is united”.

Evading a boulder marked ‘ACME’, the alleged PM dodged as Eric Abetz rode a rocket past and plummeted over a cliff. Mr Turnbull sidestepped a trapdoor and said: “We are totally united, up to the point where we are not.”

Mr Turnbull ducked as an anvil flew past.

“My leadership is secure,” he said. “Watch out for the plummeting piano.”

The PM pointed at a Tony Abbott-shaped hole in the wall.

“Meep meep,” he said.

HOWARD CLAIMS EVERY CLOUD HAS A GAY LINING

Former prime minister John Howard has denied ‘clouding’ the same-sex marriage vote with irrelevant issues.

“If we remove the special status of marriage … that would over time weaken the institution,” he said of the tradition with a 50 per cent rate of success.

A government spokesman defended Mr Howard’s clouding as ‘totally transparent’.

“But gay marriage? That’s cloudy. You see, same-sex marriage causes friction which makes warm air rise. As the air rises it cools, and condensation occurs. Hey presto – clouds, gay ones.”

The spokesman denied Mr Howard is distracting from the core issue by blaming traffic congestion and electricity prices on gay couples.

“They drive cars and have household appliances. Do the math,” he said. “And don’t get me started on the lesbian unicorn immigrant welfare crisis. It’ll lead to garden-gnome polygamy. Look! A ghost!”

HYPOTHETICAL ANTI-GAY CAKE SHOP SICK OF BEING USED AS AN EXAMPLE

COAL IS RENEWABLE IF YOU WAIT LONG ENOUGH

CORY BERNARDI ‘GENDER-MORPHING’ INTO A CRY-BABY

BANK SWEARS ATM MACHINE COSTS BILLIONS

GOLDFISH FORGETS ESCAPE PLAN AGAIN

 

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