PENSION PUNCH-ON

Prime Minister-of-the-moment Malcolm Turnbull has decided to raise the pension age to 95.

‘I liked 70, but 70 is the new 69,’ he said. ‘The pension should kick in at 95, which is still youngish. Young enough to beg Nurse for help is young enough for roadside work.’

The TBC PM claimed, ‘I saw a 70-year-old woman walking down the street. Walking! She could do that for a living.’

POTUS’S WACKY DIVERSIONS PUT ON AUTOCUE

US President Donald J. Trump has demanded his random rants be scripted. ‘I break away from a speech to talk about the size of my fingers, my beautiful wall, crooked Hillary… Before I know it, I lose track and end up saying something almost rational. From now on my loopy curlicues, and they are loopy – the loopiest – must be on the screens. I can’t afford any more screw ups.’

MILLENNIALS BLAMED FOR BUDGET BUNGLE

The US budget suffered a 2-trillion-dollar error. White House press secretary Sean Spicer said, ‘It could happen to anyone. A trillion here, a trillion there – pretty soon you’re talking four trillion.’

Spicer blamed lazy Millennials. ‘Young Jimmy’s arms tired while counting through the second trillion, so he took a guess.’

The President delightedly told Jimmy, ‘You’re fired.’

POTUS POPUS

Donald Trump described the $110 billion deal to sell Saudi Arabia planes, drones, tanks, smart-bombs, grenades, napalm, warships and landmines as ‘the best short-term plan ever.’

He then flew to Israel and told Prime Minister Netanyahu, ‘I get the feeling your enemies are secretly militarising. Wanna do a deal?’ When Netanyahu protested, POTUS shot back, ‘Stop whingeing, at least your wife will hold your hand.’

The president and his female coterie then flew to meet the Pope, whereupon his rudely nude-headed wife and daughter suddenly found veils in their luggage. The Holy Father cracked a private joke with the ladies about the president’s underpants and 50 pounds of crack.

GAY LOVE / LOVE

Tennis legend Margaret Court declared she won’t fly with Qantas in protest at the Flying Kangaroo’s stance on same sex marriage.

Ms Court also refused to fly with Virgin. ‘I expect the captain to have hands-on experience, so long as his hands were on a woman. In marriage. On the ground.’

She claimed, ‘I only fly with Tiger. Mr Woods is extremely hetero and oddly eligible.’

Ms Court walked home.

In other news…

TRUMP LEAK OBSCURED BY NEW TRUMP LEAK

YOUNG LIBERAL HAS DONE A DECENT DAY’S WORK IN HIS LIFE

NEXT ‘ALIEN’ MOVIE WILL EXPLAIN THE OTHERS

VLADIMIR PUTIN LAUGHING MANIACALLY & STROKING WHITE CAT

ONE NATION DIVIDED