US President Donald Trump claims he is the victim of a “witch hunt”. Speaking at a fireside press conference deep in the Washington Woods, Trump waved a beheaded chicken at journalists. “I saw Hillary dancing with the Devil,” he said.
The President cavorted naked around the bonfire. “No politician in history has been treated more unfairly than me,” he chanted. When reminded Abraham Lincoln and JFK were assassinated, Trump said, “Sure, but they got great media”.
He howled at the moon, jumped in a pond … and floated.
POLITICAL TV SHOWS 100% FAKE
The New Daily research has revealed the stars of ABC’s Insiders are lefty outsiders.
Foxtel’s Outsiders are right-wing insiders.
And Andrew Bolt is nuts.
CORY BERNARDI IRRELEVANCE AT FEVER PITCH
Since leaving the government, Senator Cory Bernardi has spent weeks staring at his phone and doing crochet.
“It is God’s plan that I sit ignored on the crossbench,” he said to a cleaner. “Clever, clever God.”
The former politician of interest crocheted a phone cover. When he realised it was rainbow-coloured, he gave it to the cleaner saying, “Rainbows are not God’s plan”.
The cleaner kept listening to her earphones.
TONY ABBOTT DENIES STIRRING TROUBLE
Former knighthood-hopeful PM Tony Abbott has attacked the media for twisting his words.
Speaking to a non-spellbound throng of reporters, he claimed his comment, “Turnbull is a scumbag” was taken out of context. “And when I called him a backstabber, I was being ironic. Clearly, he stabs from the front.”
Lowering his thumb, index finger, 4th finger and pinky, Abbott ordered journalists “not to read things into it”.
He pedalled away at speed.
WHITE HOUSE DENIES THERE IS THERE THERE
White House press secretary Sean Spicer interrupted a press conference to reveal a glaring absence. Lifting a sparkly cloth off an empty table he announced, “See? There is no there there. Nor is there any where there, is there? No there, no where.”
Glaring at the journalists, the McCarthyist Spicer said, “There’s no there where there’s there there, so there.’
As raging shouts echoed from the Oval Office, Spicer crawled from the room whispering, “Soon, I won’t be here either”.
In other news:
TRUMP CLAIMS ‘THEY TURNED ME INTO A NEWT’
CAT LESS INTERESTED THAN IT SEEMS
FAIRFAX WINS COPY AND PASTE AWARD
GREENS SENATOR ACCIDENTALLY MENTIONS ENVIRONMENT
HIPSTER CLAIMS HIS BEARD IS TOTALLY DIFFERENT
LINKED-IN DATE ENDS WITH NO SEX