DUTTON MEDIA BLACKOUT LEAKED

Minister for Immigration Peter Dutton announced that all news from Australia will be shut down.

“From today, this island nation will be shrouded in mystery. And no, you can’t print that.”

Journalists fired questions but Dutton stood fast – very fast. “Nothing is happening in Australia that’s anyone’s business, especially Australians.”

Dutton ended the press conference by staring at cameras with dazzling blankness.

TRUMP ‘DISAPPOINTED’

President Trump tweeted disappointment that he has failed to start a war in his first 100 days.

“I tried but was obstructed by diplomats and common sense. I’m so angry I could bomb something,” he said, “but I can’t. Thanks Obama.”

The President poked a tiny finger at journalists. “Believe me, in the next 100 days, I will clear the fog of peace. War! And Mexico will pay for it.”

GREENS STILL RELEVANT

The Australian Greens political party remains “relevant” despite appearances, polling and evidence.

Greens leader, Richard Di Natale said: “Democracy is not a numbers game. Ask any barista and s/he will tell you it’s all about the Greens, especially quinoa.”

A barista was asked. S/he said it was all about the hash-browns.

Di Natale claimed the Greens have become “youthful and inclusive” under his older-white-male leadership.

He was led away by an adequately-paid au pair.

FRENCH ELECTION ‘VERY FRENCH’

A team of French political experts have vigorously shrugged at France’s election results.

“France is now torn between a moustache-free goose-stepper and a dude who married his high-school teacher. It’s hard to know who to passionately vote against.”

The French experts shrugged and grunted for 14 hours before making love against a wall.

PM MEETING POTUS

Intermittent Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull will meet US President Donald Trump next week to discuss whatever Mr Trump just saw on Fox News.

PAULINE HANSON WARNS OF INVASION

Senator Pauline Hanson has condemned the British escapees from Brexit immigrating to Australia.

“We are in danger of being swamped by English,” she said. “They have their own culture and religion. They form ghettos. They do not assimilate with the peaceful and productive Asians who swamped us in the 90’s.”

Ms Hanson refused to eat a British sausage. “We don’t know what’s in it,” she said with absolute accuracy.

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