The very first edition of The Ferguson Report

Tim Ferguson
Apr 21, 2017, updated Apr 21, 2017

BILL SHORTEN SEEN HIDING IN SHRUBBERY

In a new election strategy, Opposition Leader Bill Shorten is hiding behind a shrub. When questioned by The New Daily, Shorten denied being behind the shrub. “Bill’s not here,” he said.

Despite media demands, he refused to comment on the new strategy. “I don’t want my mouth getting in the way of Tony Abbott’s mouth.”

PM CLARIFIES ‘AUSTRALIA FIRST’

The latest Australian Prime Minister, Malcolm Turnbull, has promised ‘Australia First’.

But US President Trump hit back claiming his ‘America First’ policy was the first to claim firsticity. “We were totally first,” the President said. “Unbelievably first. We were there even before First was a thing.”

Australia’s 29^{th-and-a-half} PM relented. “Australia will be put first, second. Irrevocably, indubitably, and other words.”

After speaking with the Indigenous Advisory Council, the imminently-former PM said, “Okay, Australia First will come third, after America First and the First Australians.”

A spokesman scrambled forward to clarify that the First Australians will never come first under this government. Ever.

US NAVAL ARMADA HEADING FOR NORTH KOREA VIA NORWAY, PERU & DISNEYLAND

US President Donald J. Trump’s ordering of the aircraft carrier USS Carl Vinson to North Korean waters has been given top priority.

“Kim Jong-Un will lose his junk,’ the President said, “when the armada circumnavigates the globe twenty times at cruising speed. Incredible.”

PRESIDENT’S KNEE SEEN JERKING

Aides to US President Trump have expressed concern at his rapid knee movements since the recent bombing of Syria.

“See? My reflexes are amazing,” claimed POTUS. He swiftly kicked over a coffee pot.

A bruised intern limped to clarify the issue, but the President accidentally dealt him a series of knee-jerks to the head.

Trump demanded someone hand him the ‘nuclear football’. He tried kicking the nuclear-codes suitcase across the Oval Office, but inadvertently kicked himself unconscious.

The aides announced Mr Trump will “stay asleep for safety reasons”.

TV LOGIE AWARDS SHIFTED TO NETFLIX

Network executives have axed the TV broadcast of the Logie Awards.

‘All the kids are watching Netflix,’ said an executive who demanded anonymity except on TV where it will remain unseen. ‘TV ratings are sagging faster than a MKR porridge soufflé,’ she said. ‘And on Netflix, we don’t need funeral insurance ads every 18 seconds just to feel alive.’

She then jumped out the window ‘in the hope it’ll rate.’

It didn’t.