News Good News The Ferguson Report: The goat strikes back

The Ferguson Report: The goat strikes back

Tim Ferguson
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HOLLYWOOD MEN IN STRANGELY SILENT PROTEST

The sexual accusations against Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein have inspired US male stars and producers to say nothing.

“The silent protest is impressive,” said a studio publicist. “The women are speaking out, but most of the men are silent. Brave. Their non-speaking speaks for itself. They are respectfully, sensitively avoiding the topic entirely.”

A movie gossip insider said: “The men of Tinseltown are united. Their protest actions include erasing texts, disposing of bathrobes and speaking in low voices to their lawyers. They are bravely staring at walls or disinfecting jacuzzis.”

One producer cornered by journalists announced: “Umm …” He went on to shake his head and shrug. “How about Harvey, huh? It’s the first I’ve heard of it,” he said with a straight face.

A studio executive hosing down his casting couch said: “You gotta wonder why women didn’t speak up against Hollywood’s most powerful producer. No … wait. Oh, I get it.”

GOAT ADMITS LINK BETWEEN SACRIFICE AND VOLCANOS

A goat has responded to Tony Abbott’s ridiculing climate-change policy as being similar to primitive people killing goats to appease volcano gods.

“Abbott is wrong,” said the goat reluctantly. “The fact is, the best way to stop a volcano is to gut a goat. Ask any ancient Mayan soothsayer.”

The goat’s tearful admission suggests climate-change policy is accurate.

RICH POWERFUL MIDDLE-AGED WHITE GUYS FEEL OPPRESSED

Wealthy white Australian males are feeling like second-class (Premium Economy) citizens.

A Sky News cast member of the Outsiders programme complained.

“We can’t get jobs at the ABC which we don’t want. And hot hipster chicks treat us like the establishment – us!”

A leisurely yachtsman said: “We’re being squeezed out by baristas, bloggers and bike riders. They nickname us ‘Rich Old White Guys’. It hurts. And they write tweets. Tweets!” He bit his lip and sailed away.

A spokesman for Men Who Have Spokesmen said: “All we’ve got is the Murdoch media, government, banks, property, coal mines and casinos. It’s a cruel world.”

ORGANIC FOOD IDENTIFIED AS FOOD

The ‘Organic food’ industry has been attacked by facts.

An organically-created spokeswoman said: “‘Organic Food’ is totally different to ‘Food Which Is Organic’. Organic food costs more, and has grubs in it. Take quinoa. Please.”

Flicking away a swarm of moths, she said: “Non-organic food is even more expensive due to extreme rarity.”

TASTE OF NEW ‘PREMIUM’ VEGEMITE OVERPOWERED BY VEGEMITE

NO-VOTER SAYS KNEE-JERK PREJUDICE IS COMPLEX, MULTI-FACETED, NUANCED

“FACEBOOK DOWN” POWER OUTAGE CAUSES GENUINE FRIENDSHIP

NAZI CLAIMS ALL OPINIONS DESERVE RESPECT

ABBOTT COMPLAINS “YOU MOCK ONE GOAT …”

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