The Ferguson Report: They thought PM was joking
Comedian Tim Ferguson's take on the news of the week. Photo: TND
PM CRUELLY MOCKED
Fill-in Prime Minster Malcolm Turnbull has been mocked for his serious speech at the Midwinter Ball.
“The Donald and I, we are winning in the polls!” he earnestly claimed.
But the fake journalists laughed. “We are,” Turnbull shouted over their cruel cackles. “Not the fake polls – the online polls.”
The PM sniffled as fake media jackals collapsed in laughter. “I have this Russian guy,” he pleaded, “believe me it’s true.”
But nobody was listening.
CLASS WAR BEING WON BY THE RICH
The rich have won the class war. A cravat-wearing polo captain stood on the mullet-cut of a captured worker to declare, “It was a close-run thing. But in the end, it came down to a surprise attack by billionaire-owned media.”
THERESA MAY NOT
The disposable Prime Minister of Britain, Theresa May, is joining forces with the Democratic Unionist Party (DUP).
The Protestant Irish right wingers have been described as ‘like One Nation without the intelligence, literacy and airplanes’.
A Belfast DUP spokesman whipped his back with a riding crop as he announced, “We oppose sex before, during, and after marriage. We are against abortion, gay marriage, science, mathematics and sheep.”
He waved the whip at journalists. “Above all, we are totally opposed to Ireland.”
A spokesman for May whispered through a crack in the boot of a Bentley, “In times of electoral crisis, one grabs anything that floats. And the DUP are most decidedly floaters.”
ONE NATION SENATOR MOMENTARILY TAKEN SERIOUSLY
Q&A host Tony Jones apologised for listening closely to One Nation Senator Malcolm Roberts.
In a “momentary lapse of reason”, Jones invited Roberts onto the light entertainment program to share his thoughts on climate change.
Roberts, who is paid legitimate money for being a senator, explained that global warming is caused by Batman.
“My worst crime was to ask Malcolm a follow-up question,” sobbed Jones. “To be fair on him, I never knew the Batmobile causes so much pollution.”
ROBOT CARS LIKE YOU
Due to fears autonomous cars are too robotic, manufacturers will make them more human.
A car industry expert named ‘Dexter.2’ spoke to a gaggle of fake media.
“Robot cars will have red-light blindness, a female-detection honking system, road-rage incapability and ethanol-injection for extra sloppiness. Deluxe vans will be equipped with rocking motion to deter knockers.”
IN OTHER NEWS:
ARTS DEGREE USED TO SAVE ECONOMY
INNER-CITY LEFTIE AGREES WITH OTHER INNER-CITY LEFTIE
CHANNEL TEN SHARES DROPPING LOW ENOUGH FOR THE OWNERS TO BUY IT AGAIN
VEGAN SMUG FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON
FUTURE TRUMP CABINET MEETINGS TO START WITH A FLUFFER
