Maybe Bernardi’s prayers could stiffen our interim PM’s spine
Comedian Tim Ferguson's take on the news of the week. Photo: TND
POTUS AND AUSTRIAN PM MEET
Presumptive PM Malcolm Turnbull has successfully sucked up to US President Trump. Keeping a straight face, Turnbull praised Trump. “You’re just so orange,” he said.
“Australia will stand by your kneejerk dingbattery, even though we know where it will lead us. Please buy some coal.”
Trump hugged the PM and declared: “Austria is my favourite state.”
TRUMP SAYS KIM JONG-UN ‘SWEETEST EVER’
US President claims North Korean President Kim Jong-Un is the “sweetest dictator ever”.
Speaking to a gasping throng of fake media conspirators, POTUS praised Kim’s cheeky “come-bomb-me” smile.
“This tough cookie has managed to stay leader using only murder, torture and charm. Amazing.”
Trump is keeping all options open, including nuclear obliteration and romantic entanglement.
GOD WREAKING VENGEANCE, SAYS BERNARDI
Anti-gay-marriage MP Cory Bernardi claims God is wreaking vengeance upon Ireland for legalising gay marriage.
“Tragically, the green isle has been lashed by mild weather for over a year,” he said.
“The occasional drizzle and warm breezes are terrifying. Sad, but the Irish brought it upon themselves.”
Bernardi called for prayer as Dublin temperatures soar to 22 degrees.
18C CAUSING XXXXXX OFFENCE
Interim Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull demanded the Free-Speech-Within-Limits 18C law should include the word ‘xxxxxxxxxxxx’ [sic].
Human Rights Commissioner Gillian Triggs warned the government -‘Touch that law and I’ll xxxxxxxx your xxxxxxxxx so hard you’ll have free speech coming out your xxxxxxxx.’
The stand-in PM fired back, ‘I should be free to call a xxxxxxxx a xxxxing xxxxxxxx.’
Triggs said: “I don’t mean to be intimidating or offensive, but you’re a xxxx.’
UNI FEES UP ‘BECAUSE … JUST BECAUSE’
Education Minister Simon Birmingham has proudly declared: “The new budget will raise university fees just because. Also, because because.”
Student protesters with time on their hands chanted abuse as Birmingham explained. “Medical degrees will be raised so only doctors can afford them. Architecture degree fees will be raised so only plumbers can afford them.”
As the riot squad soothed the crowd with capsicum spray, the Minister added,
“Arts degrees will be affordable for the aimless middle classes or higher. So, no change there.”
ANTI-VAXXER ‘AMAZED’
Anti-vaccination advocate ‘Judith’ has expressed amazement her children have simultaneously contracted Typhoid, Polio, Diphtheria, Tetanus, Rubella and Whooping-cough.
“What are the odds?” she said joyfully. ‘Tarquin, Tristram and Owl’s immune systems will be super-robust (once they’re out of intensive care next year). Take that, Big Pharma!’
In other news:
CHANNEL TEN FETCHES GOOD PRICE AT CASH SAVERS
GERMAN COMIC CLAIMS MATERIAL WENT OVER THEIR HEADS
HILLSONG ROCK BAND PLAYS WALTZES ONLY
LABRADOODLE AS STUPID AS IT LOOKS
BLOKE’S FAKED ORGASM ‘UNCONVINCING’
Legal rule stops even Hugh Grant from a win in court
