Dear Malcolm,

First of all, let me congratulate you on ‘pulling a Julia’ on poor old Tony. Great going, mate!

Anyway, the reason I’m writing is I hear there might be an opening for the role of Federal Treasurer, and I’d like to put my name forward.

I know what you’re thinking. I’m not a trained economist. And you’re basically right. My career as a professional boat stopper and, before politics, a tourism marketeer has never required me to wrap my head around a supply and demand curve. But that’s not a requirement for federal treasurers, is it?

Also, don’t forget I took a few economics modules back at uni 25 years ago, as part of my ‘applied science’ degree at UNSW. (That’s right, I said 25 years ago. I’m only 47 – Is that a good thing? I hope so.)

But still, I take your point. I haven’t been a numbers man. But before you throw this letter in the bin and look at Josh’s or Arthur’s, let me tell you what kind of man I am.

I am a hard man

Back when I was the hottest stuff on the New Zealand tourism scene, I was known as “the hard man”. Need I say more?

All right. Consider this. In my maiden speech in parliament back in 2007, I waxed lyrical about a whole lot of worthy figures like that Pommie anti-slave trade bloke, William Wilberforce, that South African vicar fella Desmond Tutu, and of course the noble Bono.

But when Tony made me Immigration Minister (thanks Tony!) in 2013, I didn’t let those fellas stop me from making hard decisions vis a vis stopping the boats. I had a job to do, Malcolm, and I did it. And what did I say to the impertinent questions of lefty journos? “I don’t comment on on-water matters.”

I can make the economy an “on-water matter” too. What do you say?

I am a clever man

I know you were busy planning your coup last Friday, but did you happen to catch poor old Peter Dutton’s gaffe about rising sea levels? If not, check it out below. It’s a hoot, it really is.

Anyway, out of Pete, Tony and me, I was the only one who noticed there was a boom microphone hovering just above Pete’s head. That’s the kind of astuteness that you need in your Treasurer. I bet Joe wouldn’t have been as on the ball.

I am a mysterious man

Mysteriousness might not seem like an obvious virtue in a Treasurer, but hear me out.

First of all, Joe Hockey for all his virtues is not a mysterious man. He’s the bloke next door, affable, straightforward, human, flawed. I could go on.

I, on the other hand, am difficult to pin down. No one knows what I stand for. I started out on the moderate wing of the Liberal Party, but quickly shifted to the hard right when Tony booted you out in 2009. I developed a reputation as a ruthless operator. Not even universal international condemnation of my baby, ‘Operation Sovereign Borders’, could turn back the boat of my resolution.

But then, having excelled in that portfolio, I was moved to the social services portfolio where I successfully cultivated a caring, avuncular persona. Just check out this video of me doing the Wombat Wobble with a bunch of pre-schoolers. A miraculous transformation I think you’ll agree.

I am a Christian man

Finally, Malcolm, I am a devout Christian. That ought to play well, don’t you think?

Anyway, I really think I’m the man for the job. Sure, my economic credentials are shaky. But look at it this way: who the bloody hell else are you going to pick? Bruce Billson? Lol.

Yours sincerely,

Scott Morrison MP