These high-concept thrones would be condemned to lurking in a corner; causing trouble and poking their ugly hides into your aesthetically considered space.
The Home Journal has rounded up the worst offenders of designer dross and provided appropriate sentences for their crimes.
Here are the top ten offenders, from a little off to really offensive.
10. Bahia Chair
Verdict: Fringed in multi-coloured tassels, this chair could only suit your home if your dad happens to be a professional clown and he never changes out of his work clothes.
Sentence: For crimes against tassels – 10 years in a student dorm.
9. Bouloum Lounge Chair
Verdict: It might be ergonomically sound, but this chair always looks on the cusp of toppling backwards. Rather than mimicking the human form, it looks more like a desktop knick-knack than a chair for the lounge room.
Sentence: For Aggravated Ergonomic Design – 15 years in a chiropractic studio.
8. Cloud Chair
Verdict: This chair looks great as a piece of sculpture… but will anyone ever sit in it?
Sentence: For crimes agains WorkSafe and strained backs – 15-20 in the lobby of a mining company.
7. The Ghost Collection
Verdict: Aside from how uncomfortable it looks, it has a Casper the Friendly Ghost motif etched into the perspex. Need we say more?
Sentence: For overly-literal design implementation – 20 years in the giant aquarium in SeaWorld.
6. Octopus Chair
Verdict: Perhaps the ugliest meeting of cephalopod and chair that has ever graced a theme park in lower Florida.
Sentence: For crimes against Walt Disney – Life in a fish and chip shop in Cairns.
Verdict: Perhaps this be called ‘Are they serious?’ This is a chair and a bookcase all rolled into one. Just what you’ve always wanted.
Sentence: For crimes against every author since Dostoevsky – 50 years in a Russian Gulag camp.
4. Orchid Chair
Verdict: This is the best reason for why beach-combing and woodwork should never combine; leave the driftwood for beach fires on cool evenings, it has no place in the house.
Sentence: For crimes again timber: execution by bonfire on Guy Fawkes Night.
3. Philippe Krzyzek chair
Verdict: This one looks like Philippe went dumpster diving for offcuts at the local plastic factory and decided to try it out as a chair. It should be placed back in the dumpster immediately.
Sentence: For inappropriate use of materials – Life… as 100 recycled plastic bottles.
2. Pimp Souck Chair
Verdict: Words just cannot describe this… this… abomination.
Sentence: For crimes against reality TV shows – Life in Kyle Sandilands’ dressing room.
1. Upside Down Chair
Verdict: So here is it is… the #1 offender. Why? Because trees are beautiful. And they should be revered and when used, used beautifully. This chair makes a tree into a Zombie-esque monstrosity. It does everything it should not do and it would not even be good to sit on.
Sentence: Call the council, get the wood shredder, and turn it into chipboard. It has to be better than this.