Public grief is now a normal and accepted reality. The mass mourning for Charlie Hebdo, the sudden death of Princess Diana, the victims of the World Trade Centre attack, the public outpouring of emotion after the Martin Place siege – these are typical public responses to traumatic events.

A sudden, tragic incident shatters our sense of order and thrusts us into fear and vulnerability. This triggers a reptilian brain response which leaves us with one of three possible reactions: flight, fight or freeze.

“The brain gives more priority to dealing with threat than to pleasure,” says Caroline Rogers, a mental health clinician. “This can lead to tribalism, patriotism, anger and self-protection.”

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“What happened in Paris and Australia after the Lindt café siege was very different,” says Ms Rogers. “Australia’s response was very personal – expressions of grief for the families and victims, the flowers. The Paris reaction is a response of solidarity in the face of threat. It was more political and tribal.”

Flowers in Martin Place, celebrating the lives of the siege victims. Photo: Getty

While grief – particularly sudden grief – sends us automatically into our reptilian brain (and the flight, flight or freeze response) we don’t have to stay there. We can use another system known as ‘wise brain thinking’.

When the media and politicians choose to use traumatic events to whip up fear and patriotism they are inviting us to stay in reptilian thinking. But we can decline the invitation and instead react more rationally. This is possible when we feel we are in safe, familiar and authentic environments.

Unfortunately, irresponsible media and ignorant or unscrupulous politicians often work to manipulate people through reptilian fear. Frightened people don’t think straight but they do follow leaders who appear to be strong and in control. Good leadership helps people to feel safe enough to go into their wise brains and make sensible decisions. (Of course, some politicians may not want us to do that, believing that they have a greater chance of convincing us to support them if we remain afraid.)

In recent tragedies we have seen examples of both.

The ‘I’ll ride with you’ internet campaign in Australia and the floral tributes are wise brain reactions. Calling for and seeking revenge are not.

This doesn’t mean that a wise brain reaction is necessarily weak. On the contrary it can be quite decisive and fierce. Wise brain actions are, however, effective in both the short and long term. They take into account all the complexities and usually involve considerable consultation with major stakeholders.

There was a lot of wisdom in Churchill’s leadership during World War II. There was nothing weak about it. While he strove to minimise fear and build courageous wise brain thinking across his nation he acted with appropriate military force.

In leading our own lives we can choose to be in reptilian fear or create sufficient inner safety to live in our wise brains. As the brain’s natural tendency is reptilian – living in the peace and wisdom of limbic resonance takes work on our part. Below are tips for dealing with traumatic situations with wisdom:

1. Understand the grief cycle – you will move through denial (“this hasn’t really happened or isn’t really happening”), anger, bargaining (trying to rationalise the situation away), depression and then acceptance. Learn to recognise and accept the phases as you pass through them
2. Seek, use and give support – the flowers in Martin Place and the march in Paris were wonderfully cathartic events
3. Self soothe – this might mean telling yourself that everything will be alright, that you will be safe, that while bad things happen so do wonderful things. Look for the good and be grateful. Pray. Meditate. Walk in nature. Swim in the ocean. Do whatever you need to do to calm yourself down. Do it often.
4. Move into wise brain before you look for solutions, reactions and answers.
5. Gather with other wise brain thinkers and support each other to think through the full extent of the issues before you move into joint action
6. Remember that two wrongs don’t make a right.

Margot Cairnes, an international change agent with a corporate consulting career spanning three decades, is the creator of the cloud-based training system, 12 Steps For Business (12SFB): [email protected]. She writes regularly for The New Daily on management and leadership.