The Intergovernmental Panic on Climate Change (IPCC) released yet another disastrous report.

If your polluting ways don’t change, they will commence counting to three.

The report predicts heatwaves, rising sea levels and cats and dogs living together.

A scientist said, “You must switch off your phone. And – if you can live without it – your coal power station.”

Panicked citizens are taking drastic measures between meals.

One woman said, “I’m recycling everything – bottles, plastic, my husband. I burgled the neighbour’s place and towed their Tesla into landfill. It will bio-degrade in 100,000 years. Phew!”

But climate activists have thrown in the hemp towel.

Extinction Rebellion added fossil fuel to the firestorm. “We’re battening down the hatchbacks of our electric scooters and going bush – but only if there’s wi-fi.”

Climate sceptics suggest waiting for the current storm in a teacup to pass.

MAJOR PARTIES RELIEVED DEBT IS NOT A PROBLEM

Anthony Albanese and Peter Dutton haven’t mentioned the national debt since they agreed to raise it by $368 billion. They’re both happy to pass the bucks at the next election.

A Labor spokeswoman explained their new strategy.

“If economists complain about debt, we simply buy more submarines.”

The Treasury said: “The extra billions won’t affect inflation because most of the sub money is going overseas.”

A spokesperson said, “Aussies just need to tighten their belts. If they can afford belts.”

NAZI UNSURE WHEN TO TELL HIS FIANCÉ HE’S A WHITE SUPREMACIST PRICK

After the recent protests, a Melbourne Nazi is worried his fiancé will see him on the evening news. “I’m worried she won’t like my membership of a thuggish, bald-balled gang of hairless neck-throbs.”

His fiancé said, “For a while there, I thought the little moustache was cute. But I started to have second thoughts whenever he would heil a cab.”

Meanwhile, the Australian Army has discovered serving soldiers have links to neo-Nazi groups.

The online groups include:

The People’s Front Of Backwards
Springtime For Tasmania
National Socialists Against Socialists, Nationally

In other news …

• NSW ELECTION RESULT MAY NOT BE KNOWN OR CARED ABOUT FOR WEEKS
• DUTTON DEMANDS MORE VOICE DETAILS, INCLUDING NAMES OF EVERYONE VOTING ‘YES’
• CIA VOWS TO FIND IRAQ WMDs BY 30th ANNIVERSARY OF U.S. INVASION
• BEN AFFLECK SAYS PLAYING BATMAN WAS TERRIBLE EXPERIENCE, AUDIENCE AGREES