Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse than Seth Macfarlane’s opening monologue at the Oscars, along comes Ted 2.

The Family Guy creator’s sequel to the surprise 2012 hit sees his talking teddy bear protagonist (voiced by Macfarlane himself) head to court to fight for human rights.

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Ted wants to adopt a baby with his wife Tami-Lynn (yes, the bear has a wife) in an attempt to save their strained marriage, but he runs into trouble when the state deems him property, not a person.

Helping him fight the good fight are his former owner-turned-best-friend John (Mark Wahlberg) and his pot-smoking lawyer Samantha (Amanda Seyfried).

The resulting movie is a confused hodgepodge of crass college humour and political commentary. Worse, it’s just plain boring.

Perhaps Ted 2‘s main conundrum is that none of its lead characters are particularly likeable. They’re idiotic stoners with a moral compass the size of a five-cent coin and not much consideration for anyone other than themselves.

You’re not rooting for any of them to succeed because, frankly, you know that if you met them in real life they’d probably offend you or smash into you with their car while driving under the influence.

When Macfarlane asked us to suspend our disbelief by making a talking teddy the lead in a Hollywood movie, he also made us suspend our care-factor.

Plus, continuously comparing the civil rights movement to Ted’s attempts to attain legal recognition isn’t just unfunny, it’s downright insulting.

The great screenwriters of yesteryear would be confused by Ted 2 to say the very least.

But while the premise for the entire film is bizarre, it could perhaps have worked if the script wasn’t trying so damn hard.

Macfarlane is like the nerdy, smart guy at school who resorts to dumbed-down humour to impress the masses. Sure, he’s known for his non-PC Family Guy gags, but his real strengths lie in whip-smart satire and musical comedy and he plays to neither of them.

In fact, the few times the the movie veers into soppy sentimentality are its highlights. Seyfried singing a Disney princess-esque song by a campfire or Ted’s opening Old Hollywood dance number are both saving graces.

John (left) and Ted have been best friends since John’s childhood.

The handful of laughs the movie does manage to garner are ones of pure discomfort and shock. A particular scene involving Wahlberg covered in semen is one such hilarious horror.

Just as its synopsis suggests, Ted 2 is a confused film with moments of light that become lost among all the references to genitalia. Why there had to be a sequel to the equally awkward first one is beyond comprehension.

Perhaps the only real humour to be had is from imagining those poor parents who’ve seen an animated teddy bear, assumed this was a kids’ film and taken their little ones along. God save their souls.

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